Soup

Question…? Why is it that ordering Soup so often gets misconstrued as settling for Soup? As if to diminish the importance and integrity of such an almighty and antiquated allotment. The Department of Archaic Knowledge, the DAK, tells us that Soup dates back to 6000 B.C. About 5078 years before Jesus Christ enjoyed his first bowl of Ebrea. In 16th century France, Soup, or Potage, sold by street hawkers called Restaurer’s. No doubt this Soup slinging nomenclature spurred our obvious adaptation to the contemporary and ubiquitous word, Restaurant. Thanks Soup! As any chef or cuisinier will tell you, Soup is one of the most layered and triumphant achievements know to the culinary world. From Minestrone to Miso, Phở to Borsch, Callaloo to Clam Chowder (New England or Manhattan), Soup is on the global stage and singing it’s heart out. It gives identity and nourishment to all who ’settle’ for it. Oh brothy goodness! Oh velvety allure! Your textural complexities and gastronomical gusto coo my needing soul. But let’s face it, who gives a rat’s ass about the soul of a writer or the ‘Soul of a Chef’ (by Michael Ruhlman) and who on god’s green earth will stand up and order with confidence? I’LL HAVE THE VICHYSSOISE! EXTRA TRUFFLE OIL!

Searing Scallops

Don’t fuck this up, because you will severely jeopardize your, and your company’s orgasm. If you have access to a gas range, that would be best. And please don’t sear more than four scallops at a time or you’ll certainly not get off.
First, in a flat saute pan pour a little less than a quarter inch of canola oil and heat until it just begins to smoke. While the pan heats up, season your beauteous bi-valves (scallops) with salt and white pepper. Make sure to pat them down first with a paper towel if they are wet, damp, and pissing all over the place. Now, your ready to drop them in the oil. Be careful and don’t burn yourself, that oil is hot like hell. Once dropped, let the baby love rounds sit and develop a golden brown sear. You’ll see it coming creeping up from around the bottom the darlings. Opaque side still up, use tongs to make sure the sear is consistent across the entire bottom surface of the tasty medallion. Flip the little bastards and continue to cook for maybe 1-2 min., take out of the pan and consume the goodness.

Eats and Rants

I love all that is food, so therefore no shortcuts are made for the vegetarian, pescetarian, vegan, ova-lactotarian, or any other imprudent eating approach. Some men watch porno: I watch fois gras melt into perfection as the saute pan squeals with the dying pain of the abused duck or goose, spitting out that glorious, buttery, aroma that assaults my nostrils with such pleasure and sophistication. Oh sweet tender lobe of lust, ruler of all that is glutton. A great someone once said “if it’s slower and stupider than I: pass the salt”

Brandon Bye