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Question…? Why is it that ordering Soup so often gets misconstrued as settling for Soup? As if to diminish the importance and integrity of such an almighty and antiquated allotment. The Department of Archaic Knowledge, the DAK, tells us that Soup dates back to 6000 B.C. About 5078 years before Jesus Christ enjoyed his first bowl of Ebrea. In 16th century France, Soup, or Potage, was sold by street hawkers called Restaurer’s. No doubt this Soup slanging nomenclature spurred our obvious adaptation to the contemporary and ubiquitous word, Restaurant. Thanks Soup! As any chef or cuisinier will tell you, Soup is one of the most layered and triumphant achievements know to the culinary world. From Minestrone to Miso, Phở to Borsch, Callaloo to Clam Chowder (New England or Manhattan), Soup is on the global stage and singing it’s heart out. It gives identity and nourishment to all who ’settle’ for it. Oh brothy goodness! Oh velvety allure! Your textural complexities and gastronomical gusto coo my needing soul. But let’s face it, who gives a rat’s ass about the soul of a writer or the ‘Soul of a Chef’ (by Michael Ruhlman) and who on god’s green earth will stand up and order with confidence? I’LL HAVE THE VICHYSSOISE! EXTRA TRUFFLE OIL!
Brandon LaPrad Bye
‘Alphabet Soup’
A: The nervous valedictorian whose never had to wait in line: an obnoxiously pragmatic symbol of standard.
B: This buttery consonant either capitol or lower case, always gives me a secret tickle shiver when written. God bless you B, you’re so debonair.
C: The only child, the spoiled brat of the group, the corrupt and callous pit of a Washington cherry. Marked by delusional confidence and malcontent. C, you deserve yourself.
D: About as much insightful motion as a four sided wheel. Sterile.
E: E is one of the elders, a real vet. Festooned with the elegant laurels of a life well lived. Proud of convention and down with pretension says E.
F: A glyph of deviance whose forward nature often unearths discord. This filthy, faintly sinister, lewd mess up is the ominous figure that all the little lower case letters are advised to steer clear of.
G: G and E were high school sweethearts, got hitched at 18 and still look in each other’s eyes like new lovers. G is prudent, yet resolute, zealous, but blasé. A gallant pillar of principal.
H: We don’t see H all that often because H spends most of the time in the gym toning that classic palindrome look. A real blue-collar, proletariat work-horse that likes books about war and talking dirty in bed.
I: This is a prim and pernickety, self- seeking super model with the IQ of a pear. Slow-witted sweetness.
J: With aesthetic grace and salacious subtext, this tenth character is surely trying to break your heart. J is kind of an elitist but has the wherewithal to be so. An impulsively confident consonant. Proclivity for J.
K: K carries around an anxious nerve, which may be credited to prescription abuse. Comically intrusive, however a serious sanguine. This social casualty is buckling under the pressure of phonetic rehab.
L: Standing tall with lasting class, L is a bona fide humanitarian, a dyed in the wool sage, and irrefutable hero.
M: Adorably modest freckles paired with strawberry blond hair, that’s M. I had a crush on M in the 3rd grade. With an innocent and naively acute sense of humor, M is a gem.
N: If M is feminine, than N is her fraternal twin brother. Like M, N doubles as another member of the cast, Z: whose slick, arcane front rubs off on its vertical cousin.
O: The most orgasmic of all the vowels. This voluptuous friend is the only one to bridge the integer grapheme gap, a special feature indeed. O has a jovial, impassionate soul that quite honestly makes me want to hang myself in a shower stall. Oh, the a-cynic void.
P: P tries too hard to fit in. Not the last kid picked, but close. Underneath, co-dependence and insecurity plague P’s fragile spirit, while on the surface a cheerful, flamboyant facade is all over the show.
Q: An undeniably refined specimen. Q has a sizable conceit that demands notice but ironically is the letter least penned in troop 26. Perhaps born in France, maybe the northern Rhone region, where the Viongnier grape grows almost exclusively. A floral white wine, with notes of over ripe apricots and an over ripe attitude if you ask me.
R: R always has racy, prophetic opinions, but can’t remember where its drink is. Down in the southern cockles of R there is a clear propensity for immoral and guiltless dispositions. This cleaver renegade has the coolfiery fervency of a radish.
S: Charming in spite of that swank, S is a natural seducer. Odds- on S wears a sultry red dress and pumps even to a baseball game. Kisses like a stripper and rocks socks in the buff. A clear-cut metropolitan slut.
T: Kind of an alphabetic chameleon. Maybe the outdoorsy type, or maybe a chaps sporting Texan spitting at a rodeo. Perhaps the tyrannical tribal head of an ancient civilization that sparred its empire to collapse. In any case, T is a mystery to me.
U: Although four blocks down, U pulls at the coat tails of Q like a begging child in the check out line of a busy grocery store. Possible the least pleasing letter to pen, U is an unstable, wobbling joke. No doubt T and V shove it back and forth like a rocking horse. Poor U.
V: Goose, up, two olives, slightly dirty, ice on the side. This one here was born at the top of the corporate ladder, no climbing required. A power suit, the daily news and a cup of brew illustrate this capitalist viper quite well.
W: W played football with G at one of those proverbial ivy institutions and has since raised a family in an old house on the hill, slogged in law, then became a selectman or some small scale political figure.
X: The grim reaper in this class of 26. X is a variable that certainly marks the spot. Its pornographic persona makes Y a little uncomfortable, or maybe a little aroused.
Y: Give me a Y! Cartwheeling, and cheering, and tumbling its way down to the end of the list, this one’s favorite color is clear.
Z: Zipping and zigging and zagging around the bowl, Z is undoubtedly the fastest kid in the cluster. The cat who came to school just for lunch who now sweet talks all the freshman college girls into some sexual positions, but never any emotional investment. High five Z, but you may want to check for an STD.
Brandon LaPrad Bye
The Human Zoo
Tickets to the human zoo are more costly than the fare you’d afford to enter the archetypal animal house (that’s a little anthropocentric, eh?) When you receive your pass to the People Park there is a moment of judgement in which your added features are the judged. For a raft of reasons, visitors bring belongings like an over zealous squirrel stuffs nuts. If the count exceeds three (truly, the magic number) you temporarily relinquish the right to the largest in the group. No worries, chances are your forfeited article will be reissued as you leave. Though security is like a cashew in the fist of a gorilla, and a proletariate family of 3 1/2 would no doubt famish, the biped abundance is absorbingly amusing and worth the baggage. You’ll find that this globally networked mankind menagerie is host to an unbound assortment of humanoid specimen, free to roam, mingle, or disaffiliate (after the gorilla lets go of course.)
I tend to be clandestine about my time in the house of Homo Sapiens; howbeit, my self exile is often interrupted by some sort of hobnobbing dolt whose menial tongue-wagger is more offensively void of content than the food they may be eating. My god the food! I’m guessing that the ingredients and the culinary wit of those who assemble these skank vitcuals must be from the same barren ilk. Okay, I’m being a little too arbitrary about the grub. I can have some pretty highbrowed standards over gastronomy. Aside from the diatribe above, the Exhibition of Wights can be an enjoyable way to spend the day, get from here to there, or reunite with family, friends, and lovers.
At any rate, when you’re at the Naked Monkey Museum you are both a visitor and a captive, the beholder and the beheld, basically an oroboros aborbodo. An interesting instance indeed. Heretofore recent years the Civil Circus had been pretty lax in policy; but of late, life at the Soul Station has changed more drastically Michael Jackson’s face game. Its certainly not the place for the nihilist. Any interim of insubordination is noticed and enforced upon in double time bebop by the resident gestapo. These pedantic police are ever aware of their Human Swap Meet; as they should be, this dog faced world isn’t always man’s best friend.
Its also important to remember that a reservation to the gallery can be as uncertain as androgyny. Your arrival and/or departure is not entirely dictated by you. Don’t fret: your sixteen words away from accepting this inconvenience. All need be done is seek the counsel of the nearest Hare Krishna and repeat after him……. Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare. This saving mantra can be used elsewhere as well. You might employ it’s powers when collecting your abandon accoutrements at the often last stop of this fleshy tour. It can be a frustrating farewell, but presumably not your last.
Now, with the above information carefully combed over, where and what is the Human Zoo?
Brandon LaPrad Bye
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